“Parenting a Priest to Be…”

The call to the vocation of the priesthood at an early age or any age can be something that is frightening to many parents and family members or exciting in the lives of those that understand what it really means in the long run. Typically, parents think that their children will bear them grandparents and they will have huge family gatherings as a big clan with reunions, holidays, or birthdays. However, for those who are called to the priesthood early on, there are valuable tools we can learn of how to invest the time, effort, parental involvement, and Christian Catholic catechetical support of raising a child to become a man of God for the people of God as a priest. The Bible says:

Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God is one Lord; and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)

Several people recognize the first part of the commandment, “love the Lord with all…”, but do not know that the Israelites and us as Catholic Christians also should “teach” our children about Him and talk about him in the household often. That is how my vocational story has developed into my story and many other seminarians and priests today. So, the question remains is how does one parent a priestly son? Fr. Brett Brannen has an exemplary model of a book titled A Priest in The Family where he recounts his experience being raised by his parents and being called to the priesthood, which I would like to explore along with some other resources that I believe parents can make a priest out of their sons. It first it starts in the heart, the home, and in the holistic sense, encouragement throughout the lives of both parents, family, and the involvement in the Church and continual discernment by the individual.

Let us first begin with some practical myth busters that dispel the darkness of the priesthood away from the medieval dark ages of what it means to actually live out the priesthood and what priests feel like as their job and vocation or calling. There are 6 common fears for parents’ of son’s considering the priesthood. The myths are that “(1) He’s too young (2) He’ll be lonely, (3) Celibacy is impossible, (4) I won’t have grandchildren, (5) I’ll lose my son, (6) He’ll be unhappy” (www.vianneyvocations.com). According to the print brochure I bought for my parents and a few parishes I like to visit to encourage vocations for this upcoming “Synod on Young People, the Faith, and Vocational Discernment” this October called by Pope Francis, Vianney Vocations says these myths can be dispelled in this analogy:

Consider if your teenage son had the ambition - and the ability to become an architect. Most parents would encourage this interest, even going out of their way to research the best colleges for architecture. But the same parents - even good Catholic moms and dads - express reservation about their son attending seminary. Why would you encourage your son to learn how to build roads and bridges, but discourage him because he wants to build the Kingdom of God? (www.vianneyvocations.com)

The fact of the matter is that there really isn’t too much of an age limit for a son to enter

seminary and generally it changes around 35 - 40 to even enter religious orders.

However, there are exceptions. Seminaries are also places of great camaraderie and joy to learn more about the faith and gain brothers in Christ. Only sons of families gain brothers in Christ to journey with learning more about the Faith and how they can apply it to life.

Also, if celibacy was impossible, then we wouldn’t have the rich tradition of saints who have achieved and experienced that same kind of celibacy we have modeled in our priests today. Another fear is the idea of not having grandchildren and that parents will never see their son again. This is true in the biological sense, but when you look at it from a "spiritual grandchildren" perspective, parents gain a multitude of thousands of parishioners and even children becoming their family as well since, "Father ‘so and so'" is their son. Parents do not lose their son from missing holidays or will never see them if they go into seminary, a monastery, or diocesan priesthood ministry. In the fall of 2014, Jack Knight, a seminarian from the Archdiocese of Atlanta recounts words and fears from his own mind about not having children and what his sister said in the magazine for St. Vincent De Paul Regional Seminary in Boynton Beach called Seeds of Hope:

Seeing all my nieces and nephews that Christmas just made it difficult knowing I would never have children of my own. However, my oldest sister, Kathleen, got our attention when she addressed me on behalf of everyone present. Her words have rung in my mind for the past couple of years in my prayers. She told me, "Jack no matter if you are a priest or a layman, our children will be your children. Our families are your families." I still get chills when I replay that in my mind. It is so true, and God is so good for allowing me to see that my vocation will bear fruit (Mt. 19:29)…And so the Lord called me from my family, so that I could be a father, a father with no limit of children but rather having all the children I could ever hope for. (Knight)

Therefore, parents and their families gain extended “spiritual grandchildren and family members” through the Body of Christ by their sons becoming Fathers. And wouldn’t it be grand if your son celebrated Christmas blessing the whole meal with a lot of family members around as a priest or Father? Imagine this; your son celebrating the Christmas Vigil mass with your entire family present. That would be magnificent. Plus with the advent of social media, families can always be in touch with one another in many ways. Unhappiness in the seminary or priesthood is the biggest myth that the world and society see as their reason for not wanting their sons to go to seminary. Fr. Brannen recounts in a book by Msgr. Stephen J. Rossetti called Ten Steps to Priestly Holiness: Our Journey into Joy stating:

[as] a leading researcher on priesthood: In my most recent survey of 2,441 priests around the

United States,, an astounding 92.2% said they were happy as priests; 88.6% said their morale was

good; 93.2% said they feel a sense of closeness to God; and 94.8% said they feel a joy that is a grace

from God. (Brannen 8-9)

That joy from the grace of God is an “inner peace” according to Vianney Vocations, that seminarians and priests learn that is the happiness from serving God’s people, the Church. From my own personal experience, my own father has expressed to me in an e-mail lately these words of encouragement:

I viewed the video in its entirety. Two things. You did a really nice job. It like all things can be improved but I liked it just as it is. I believe you made it for your family and friends to view and come to support your quest. I support you. Even though I believe you don’t think I support your ambitions and decisions. You are my Son. As you journey further thru this life, you will come to know the difference between the anxiety of a parent and disapproval. However, never despair your Father’s love and pride in you. I watched you walk for the first time. I was there when you bravely faced the prospect of permanent blindness. I saw you graduate from High School and College. Maybe one day I’ll have the privilege of attending your Ordination into the Priesthood. But even if I don’t, you should know that I really am proud of you. (Glenn)

These are the kinds of the words of encouragement parents should offer discerning individual sons just as myself. In a recent group chat with some of my seminarian friends on Instagram, seminarian Mark Desio from the Diocese of St. Petersburg and St. John of Vianney IV year Pre-Theologian said:

…as far as parenting a Priest goes, I believe parents should raise them just as they would any of their children and let God do the work. Obviously, teach them true morality and emphasize the importance of having a deep relationship with God. However, never feel like they have to train priests, just be solid men of faith. God will call and the seminary does the rest. (Desio)

Wrapping all of this up, it is no wonder that seminarians and priests actually enter and leave the seminary happily into ministry because parents actually do support them and allow God to do the work in the sons’ hearts as well as Jesus doing the changing of the sons into happy joyful men of God.

The cost of seminary is also a misconception that parents need to understand to encourage sons to go to seminary still. Each diocese is different and the Bishop of the Diocese works closely with the Vocations director, as well as each seminarian candidate's spiritual director and confessors and pastor or priests', so that each seminarian will be fit and ready to accomplish the work ahead of him in seminary as well as be worth the cost the Diocese covers them. Fr. Brannen says, “On average, a single seminarian costs more than $35,000 per year, which covers room, board, tuition, health insurance, stipend, etc” (87). So, if I were to attend both college seminary and then regional seminary, my costs may be covered somewhere in between $150,000-$210,000 of seminary since I would not have to do the first year or two because I have a bachelor’s and will have a master’s at that point. However, some seminarians who leave the seminary never apply knowing these costs and thinking that they will have to pay that back. Typically, Fr. Brannen states:

[they are] terrific lay leaders and evangelists”, leaving the seminary for whatever reason and “the

bishop realizes this, and he understands that some men will be called by God to step out of

seminary. For this reason, most dioceses do not ask a man who has left the seminary to repay the

diocese (88).

Of course, the Church as a whole supports seminarians through their offerings and tithes and also the Knights of Columbus offer an "RSVP (Refund Support Vocations Program), granting nearly every seminarian in the U.S. a $500 annual stipend" (88). This means seminarians may have to live a simple lifestyle and be good stewards. Brannen says, “If a man owes a very high amount of money in student loans, his bishop and vocation director may ask him to get a job and work for a couple years, in order to pay down these loans, before they will allow him to begin seminary” (89). Also, previous other debt is not allowed, but some loans can be deferred while in seminary and some seminarians can take out loans for living expenses such as medicine, insurance, and other basic necessities. Loans that cannot be deferred must be paid monthly while in seminary (90). Seminarians should not be running from their debt to the Church. Diocesan priests get paid “normally between $1,500-$2,000 per month, [but] this amount can differ slightly from diocese to diocese, and some dioceses give a small increase to priests who have been ordained a certain number of years, serve as pastors, etc” (91). It’s modest but humble.

Fr. Brannen also explains some other frequently asked questions in his book. The difference between diocesan priests and religious brothers and priests and their vows are always confusing to parents and lay parishioners. Brannen explains that Diocesan priests:

…work in parishes, take care of people day by day: baptizing, preaching, teaching, celebrating

Mass, hearing confessions, burying the dead and promise to remain celibate, pray for God’s

people and respect an obey his bishop and (and his successors). (98-99)

Brannen explains that “religious priests, on the other hand, do not make the same three promises. They make the three vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience together called the Evangelical Counsels” (98). These priests belong to orders like the Jesuits, Franciscans, and Benedictines. Each order is specific to its own specialty and apostolate and charism. Religious priests in order usually live in a community like ‘family'. Some diocesan priests work and live together near their parish working like a team as brothers as well.

Questions about whether or not if your son while being in seminary makes a mistake and discerns not to be called to the priesthood is common and explainable. Fr. Brannen says:

A man goes to seminary one year at a time. He is not certain that he will be ordained a priest. At

the end of every year, with the guidance of his spiritual director, rector, and vocation director,

your son will decide if he should come back. Of course, the further along he continues, the higher

the expectation is that he will follow through to the priesthood. (99)

Also, "dual discernment that must take place before a man enters the seminary. The man himself must discern that he is being called to take this step, and the Church, through the local vocation director and the bishop, must discern the same" (99 ibid). The call to priesthood really only comes from God, and the Bishop usually recognizes this and approves this at the end along with the Church and the formation team at the seminary. One biblical verse that comes to my mind when discerning the priesthood is from Psalm 110:4, "The Lord has sworn and will not waver: "You are a priest forever in the order of Melchizedek". When I also think of how God has changed me over the years into being the man I am now and what I believe in my heart as a son of the Beloved King, I am wrapped up in this verse to assure me, “But you are “a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of his own, so that you may announce the praises” of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light” (1 Pet. 2:9). So many more discernment verses can shed light unto men that help them in their calling.

Without going too much in depth about how people respond to those being called to the seminary as saints or with disapproval, Fr. Brannen gives great simple advice. He says, “Sometimes people put their noses into other people’s business when they should not. However, in my experience when people ask questions or have concerns, it is usually because they sincerely care about the man and they want him to be happy and fulfilled” (102). This goes for parents as well. Therefore as parents and hopeful priests to be, discerning and discerning courageously living seminarians should let people know that “the huge majority of priests are happy and fulfilled” and “the huge majority of priests are selfless, holy, generous men who love Jesus Christ and his Church” (102). They love Jesus and try to help others according to his teachings. Fr. Brannen suggests saying:

You can tell them that not every man who goes to the seminary becomes a priest. You can tell

these sincere people who express disapproval, that you and your family are proud of your son

and God can call a man to be a priest out of any family, from the best to the worst. Of course, you

can say: "We are honored that God may be calling our son to be a priest" (102).

My mother has told me throughout her explanations of stories to me about her Catholic faith in the Philippines and even now that “as long as you are happy while being a priest, that will make me happy and to do it for God and not for yourself”. Those words ring in my head still.

There are many more things a parent can do to formulate a priestly son, but here are the last ten steps to support seminarians in general.

(1) Show balanced support – Don’t put undue pressure on them to become a priest. Reassure him and that you are proud of him.

(2) Learn about the discernment process – There are a number of resources. Discuss these resources and discernment steps with family members.

(3) Become knowledgeable about priestly formation and the life of a priest – Seek good information to answer questions. Talk to the vocations director yourself.

(4) Tell your son that you are proud of him and show awareness of the difficulty of discerning the priesthood. – Tell your son that you are proud of his go

odness and generosity, whether or not he ends up becoming a priest.

(5) Go visit the seminary – God to the “family weekend” offered by the diocese or seminary. Meet your son’s colleagues and professors.

(6) Send care packages – sending letters or gifts, especially on birthdays or holidays are encouraging throughout the year at seminary.

(7) Maintain contact with the parents of other seminarians – with social media network today, it is easy to maintain good relationships with the families of other seminarians from your diocese.

(8) Join the Serra Club or another vocation promotion club. – These kinds of clubs like the Knights of Columbus support promoting and supporting vocations to the priesthood and religious life.

9) Welcome your son home for the holidays – Make them feel welcome and still very much a part of the family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and on other holidays.

(10) Save the dates early! – Do your best to attend all the Masses duri

ng which your son will receive the ministries of Lector, Acolyte, and Candidacy, and ordination to Diaconate. Lastly, pray for your son daily. (Brannen 115-118)

Fr. Brannen’s last advice actually comes from his discernment book To Save a Thousand Souls where he says ideal parents’ attitudes should be towards their son:

I love you very much and I am proud of you for even considering the

priesthood. I will pray for

you and support you as you go to the seminary. I will be very proud of you if you become a priest.

But I will be equally proud of you if you discern that you must leave the seminary. I will welcome

you home and help you in any way I can to find your true vocation. I am just proud that you love

Jesus this much and that your faith is this strong. (119)

This is the exact kind of prayerful and positive mindset parents of a priest to be should have for their sons considering and discerning seminary and diocesan priesthood or their sons and daughters for religious orders.

Works Cited

Brannen, Brett A. Fr. A Priest in the Family. A Guide for Parents Whose Sons Are

Considering Priesthood. Vianney Vocations. Valdosta, GA 2014. Print.

Desio, Mark. Interview. 30 July 2018. Web. Accessed. 30 July 2018.

Glenn, Wilton M., Sr. "Re: Video Presentation of My Vocation." Received by the author,

7 July 2018.

Hartdegen, Stephen J. & Hickey, James A. Holy Bible. New American Bible Revised Edition. Catholic Readers Edition. Devore and Sons. Wichita, KA. 2011. Print.

Knight, Jack. Family: Where the Calling was Heard. Seeds of Hope. Issue IX. St. Vincent

de Paul Regional Seminary. Boynton Beach, FL. Fall 2014. p.18. Print.

Vocation Mythbusters for Parents. Six Common Fears when Your Son is Considering

Priesthood. Vianney Vocations. www.vianneyvocations.com. Brochure. Print.